Lack of communication

I am so tired of not being able to communicate what is on my mind.

I don't like it when people say they are going to do something, they don't do it, and when I inquire about it, I am made to feel like the bad guy because I am trying to get some communication.

I don't like it when people pretend to be my friend, don't do what they say they are going to do, expect something from me, and then drop off the face of the earth and make it clear that they aren't really my friend after they get what they want.

It makes me sad.

What's worse is that I feel terrible for feeling this way.

This isn't how I should feel.

God forgave us.

We suck, and He still sent His only Son to die on the cross to save us.

I am no good.

I have been trying so hard to forgive, to have grace and to be a blessing to those who do harm. I am failing miserably. I keep praying about it but so far I am not there yet. What is wrong with me? I need to continue to offer this struggle up to God.

I am done communicating about that which has upset me.

Lord, it is in Your hands now. I'm done. I should have never held on to it and I am sorry for doing so.

These are some "done communicating" words.

By Nicole

Wedding of my dreams...

Picture it, getting ready for your wedding.

Hanging out, watching TV taking your sweet time.

You would think there would be someone here to help you with your hair right? Someone to help you into your gown or to put on your vale? How about someone to tell you where you are at for time, when you needed to head to the altar?

Nope, not for me.

I can't get my hair right and my vale is way to big for my head. I have to bend the metal comb in half to get it to the size of my head and it won't stay in my hair no matter what I do. It is so over sized! Why isn't it working?! My hair is a mess and I can't get it to lay right. I am a mess. Not only that, my dress is at LEAST 2 sizes too big. I don't know what happened here. We had had it tailored to fit me! The underwear I bought also doesn't fit, it is WAY too big and keeps falling off. What a disaster! All this on my wedding day and no one here to help me!

Now I am late for my OWN WEDDING! I walk into the church, alone mind you, and there are THOUSANDS of people here. Who the heck ARE all these people? I thought our wedding was only 16 people and that is INCLUDING John and I! This is craziness. It's like I am at church at the 10:35 service and everyone is there for MY wedding. NOT what I wanted at all, how could this happen? Oh well it doesn't really matter.

Okay, so I move past that and start down the isle. John is there waiting for me...

WHAT!?!?!?!? oh my gosh. He has a full beard! Not just a little scruff, a little scruff can be very sexy on him, but a FULL ON BEARD! Like Santa only black!!! AAAAND he isn't wearing the amazing suit we got him for the wedding. He's wearing some ugly brown get up. It's similar to a suit but it is frumpy looking, he looks almost like he dug the clothes out of the dirty hamper. I'm upset now. How can this happen? The wedding I always dreamed about was not happening... I look terrible, I was late and my future husband looks like he just stepped out of a dirty clothes hamper!! I'm stuck! This is my life! There's no turning back now! AHHHHHH!!!

John then flexes his bicep in my face saying "Boom! That's what you get!" like he always does when he's "punishing me" for something I've done.

The world is at peace again and I am happy. I don't care about his beard or his dirty clothes. I don't care about my dress or how I look or about the fact that I was late to our wedding. I hold on to his arm and we get married.

I am happy. He is amazing.

And that, my friends, was the wedding of my dreams. :p

Always in Him and with Love,

Nicole

These are some "from our wedding blog" words

by Nicole

Some engagement photos for your enjoyment!

John Helmstetler + Nicole Hall

The Ring

We're getting married!!!

I love you so much!

Laughing...

Don't we look great together? :)

In black too LOL :)

John makes me so happy!

So in love, praise God for this glorious gift!

L- for Love! Oh wait, did it backwards again Nicole.

Am I doing something wrong here? Ignoring my fiancé , is that bad?

I look at this picture and fall deeper in love with John and I praise God.

Cute.

He's such a nerd, another reason why I know he's God's provision for me.

Ha ha... John's baggage.

Sweet, doesn't it make your teeth hurt?

The beautiful Hotel Del Coronado.

Ahhahahahahaha!

Look how handsome he is!! How did I get so lucky?

This picture was hard... Our faces so close together... Still honoring God though :)

Can't wait till Jeff says "John, you may kiss your bride."!

Almost here... September 10th, 2009!!

These are some "from our wedding blog" words

by Nicole

How God turns a situation you think you can't handle into an amazing, wonderful and unexpected joy.

This was taken at the Hotel Del Coronado while we were there for our engagement photos on July 30th, 2009. At this point in our trip we had not done the pictures yet, we were waiting for Ananda, our photographer, to arrive. We had just met with the catering manager who was assigned to our wedding, Farrah, and we were a little frustrated because we really were not happy with the venue. Our original plan was to have an intimate wedding on the beach. When I signed the contract with The Del, I was under the impression that the beach we would be married on would be private and allow for an intimate setting. My impression was completely wrong however and when we saw where the wedding was going to be we were very disappointed to say the least. The scary thing is that John was not going to say anything to me about how displeased he was because he did not want to be a "jerk." I managed to get him to open up about what he was feeling and I am so thankful to God that he did because I was feeling the exact same way but would have never said anything. So anyhow, I talked to Farrah about the possibility of moving the wedding to the garden area where we were sitting in this photograph. She told me that our “package was for the beach venue only” and that she “would have to get approval from her director.” I was so upset. She made me feel terrible about our feelings even if she did not mean to. We decided together that if we could not have the wedding moved, we would cancel at The Del and we would just do the wedding in Arizona. So, we left it at that and went on with the photo shoot.

The photo shoot was a blast! We had so much fun taking pictures and jumping in the air. (We did multiple shots where we jumped in the air together and made funny faces ☺ ) Ananda did a pretty good job too. She did not pose us as much as we would have liked but she got many great pictures and we cannot wait to get the CD with all the full resolution photos on it!

On with the story of how God turns a situation you think you can't handle into an amazing, wonderful, and unexpected joy.

The weekend, for me, was excruciating. I emailed Farrah on Friday explaining the situation a bit further. The package we had did not only include the beach venue, in fact, it was for the beach venue, OR a venue called The Garden Patio, the location we both really wanted. That email was early in the morning and I did not hear from her at all that day. John, God bless him, tried to help me by saying he would take the burden of dealing with the venue situation off my hands. I am so appreciative to have a fiancé who cares so much about me and who is willing to do things like that for me, God has truly blessed me. Well, I had a hard time letting it go from my mind. I could not help thinking about it all weekend. How could I? The timeline Danielle and I had set had me sending invitations out by Saturday. Danielle is my wedding coordinator by the way. I could not send invitations out because I had no idea where we were going to get married! You ladies reading this will understand where I am coming from on this. ☺ I was still stressed to say the least. Poor John was trying to make me feel better. Again, I praise God for him, what a man to care so much about how I’m feeling. We were on the phone talking about it Sunday night and I was having a super difficult time feeling okay. On top of the issues with the venue I was having, I was also having an identity crisis with my hair and the enemy was kicking my butt with it. We got off the phone at about 10:30pm, as soon as we hung up I received an email from Farrah. She said that we were approved for The Garden Patio so we were good to go. I should have been overjoyed at this news but as I said before, the enemy was working pretty hard on me that day and all I could think about was how, now, I did not like my dress for the new venue. Before all this went down, I was already questioning the dress. Was it okay to have a white dress and not a wedding dress? Should I have looked more for a dress? Should I have a long dress? I was not going to be able to wear a vale and that bothered me too. I felt like I was missing out on something and now that we were no longer getting married on the beach those questions and concerns were on the forefront of my brain, not because of how the enemy had been beating me up, but because they were honest concerns that I was having.

On Monday, I told my mom the news and explained my dilemma. She said that, if I wanted to get a dress, we could go that day and look! I was so excited. We had a wonderful day together shopping and trying on dresses and this is where God turned a situation I thought I couldn’t handle into an amazing, wonderful and unexpected joy. I found a beautiful gown, I get to wear a vale, and my mom and I were able to have the experience of wedding dress shopping and all that stuff! Again, ladies, I think you will know what I’m talking about.

I really feel like this is a beautiful example of how God turns a situation you think you can't handle into an amazing, wonderful and unexpected joy. I feel like I am actually having a wedding now! The venue is AMAZING, my dress is WONDERFUL, and all this joy God has given me is completely unexpected and truly undeserved. I’m so much more excited than I was before and I am really happy with everything. My excitement and happiness has rubbed off on John and he is excited and happy as well. Praise God for His blessings. I know we do not deserve them but He loves us and blesses us anyhow and we need to remember that always.

I hope you enjoyed that story. I just wanted to share because I think it is cool when God does things like this and we recognize them. I also think that it is important to share when He does this, to show people how amazing He is.

Always in Him and with love,

Nicole

These are some "from our wedding blog" words

by Nicole

Our wish for your gift - Huruma Children's Home & School.

This is a post I made to our wedding guests about what our wishes were for gifts. I don't think many people read it but I still feel passionately about Huruma. Some day we hope to visit and do work there. Maybe, if it is part of God's plan, we'll be able to adopt a child from Huruma. Anyhow, here's the post....


We wanted to write and express our love for the Huruma orphanage in Ngong hills. Ngong is about 25km from Nairobi, the capital of Kenya in East Africa. Huruma is an orphanage our church works with and helps to support. It is our hope to one day become more involved with Huruma and possibly adopt a child from there. It is for this reason we have decided not to register for our wedding. It is our hope that the money our loved ones would spend on gifts for us would be put to better use by helping those at Huruma.

Please visit Huruma's Home Page for more information on the orphanage.

Also, if you feel lead to give to Huruma on our behalf please visit their giving page. On this page you will find information on how Cornerstone is involved with Huruma and how to donate.

Again, it is our hope that our marriage will honor God and do great things for His people. Christ is doing amazing things at Huruma and we would love to be a part of that as Christ does amazing things in our life. :)

Always in Him and with love,

John and Nicole

These are some "from our wedding blog" words

by Nicole

thank You

Lord, I just have to give You praise this very minute. I try to thank you at all times because You are amazing and You love me no matter what but I have to give a special prayer right now.

Lord I thank You for your promise. I am so amazed at how you are working in my life and I pray for Your guidance and wisdom in navigating this wonderful and amazing experience.

I knew Your promise.

I believed when You said you would not forsake me.

I understood that You have perfect timing.

I guess I just never imagined!

How can You love me so much?

Lord, I just thank You so much for filling my life and for adding the icing to the cake. I thank You for the friendship you have given me in John. I want to be filled with Your love and I am so thankful that I am. I want Godly conversation and relationships and You bless me with that. You are truly faithful and I know that. What a silly little human I am. I could never imagine it would be like this... ever. You are amazing. I am so blessed. Thank You! It sounds so simple and so silly, I don't know how to express this in words but I felt the need to say something. It seems like it isn't enough just to say thank You. I know You know my heart and what I am feeling. I know You are at work and all of it is because of You. I praise You for the gift of my life, of Your only Son and for all of the blessings you have bestowed on me. Help me to live for Your glory and to build my relationships to honor You.

In Jesus' precious name.

Amen

These are some "oh so thankful" words...

By Nicole

God's blessings for obedience

My last post was on March 9th. This is a follow up to that post...

I broke things off with Michael the following week. He was out of town for a week and I was unable to see him until St. Patties day. It was easier than I expected. I didn't cry until he said "If you knew you were going to break up with me, I wish you wouldn't have made me pay for dinner." He was joking of course and said he was trying to lighten the mood but it made me sad anyhow. Overall, it went really well. Michael said he understood and that he didn't hate me. (a concern of mine) We parted ways and haven't talked since.

I think that this is where God's blessings for obedience come in.

I haven't looked back and have not once felt like I made a mistake after we ended things. I think that is one of the blessings God has bestowed on me for my obedience to His will. People keep asking if I miss Michael, if we are back together, or even talking. I tell them no on all accounts. I don't miss him. I have nothing bad to say about him, he is a great guy, but I really don't miss him and I don't feel the need to talk to him or get back together. I don't know if that sounds kind of callous, but I don't think it is. I think God has blessed me with the peace of knowing he wasn't the one and that is why I feel that way.

Here is where other blessings from God come in.

The day after I broke things off with Michael, I received a text from my friend CJ. He said that another friend of mine, Tonya, had told him that I had asked for a meeting with the Momentum pastor, Jeff. I didn't recall ever talking to Tonya about that but I figured meeting with Jeff couldn't hurt. He is a great leader and I knew we would pray together and I love doing that so I set up a meeting for the following Wednesday.

The weekend before my meeting with Jeff I was blessed to have Erynn and Doug to hang out with. We went out for a nice dinner and then out to a movie. On top of that, a friend of mine from Camber who I hadn't talked to in months, Vanessa, also invited me out to a movie. I already had the plans with Erynn and Doug but it was nice to know Vanessa was thinking about me and wanted to hang out. :) We had a great time that night and actually ran into Vanessa and her friends at the theater. I think it was a message from God letting me know that Vanessa and I would soon be hanging out together.

My meeting with Jeff started like this... Jeff: "So, what's up?" Nicole: "I don't know, I didn't really ask for a meeting, CJ just said Tonya said I did, so I'm not sure." Jeff: "Yeah, there are some people who were concerned about you." :) Apparently, people were concerned about me dating Michael. I had no idea that there were people at Momentum who cared so much about me, enough to talk to Jeff and ask for guidance on how to help me. We talked about how I got into the situation and how to avoid it in the future. It was a good talk and I feel stronger in my conviction to be found by a Godly man who will provide the kind of marriage that puts God in the center of it. The people who went to Jeff were my co-leader Dana and one of the male leaders, John. Dana is a great lady who has been a wonderful support in my growth with God. John is someone who I didn’t really know until this all happened.

Last weekend, the 4th, I was able to hang out with Vanessa, John, Jude and the rest of their “group.” We went to Golfland and played miniature golf. Then we went over to Jude’s house and watched a movie. The night was so much fun! I had such a good time and it was so nice to hang out with such wonderful people. Poor John and Jude had to experience first hand the annoyance of my food allergy but they took it in stride and were actually very sweet about it. It was really nice because they were so concerned about me. :)

This past Friday we all went hiking in the Superstition Mountains. It was a beautiful, perfect day. I had a great time with my new “group.” It is so much fun to be included in such a cool group of people and to be accepted there. We went to a movie that evening and diner after that. It was the best day I have had to date. Great God talk, good clean fun and the growth of some amazing friendships. I am having so much fun getting to know John in particular. He is such a Godly man and we have had some really great God conversations! I am really enjoying having people like him in my life and I am looking forward to growing those relationships.

So all of these things I feel, are the ways God is blessing me for my obedience. I thank Him every day for my new relationships and for blessing me with people in my life who really care. I know God is going to continue to bless me for being obedient to His will. I already have so much to look forward to! I have great people to hang out with now, I’m going to Hawaii with all of them at the end of May, and I am totally stoked about all of it!


These are some "blessed for obedience" words...

By Nicole

Here I am again...

In September I blogged about protecting my heart and learning how to know when to let someone in...

In December I blogged about meeting a really amazing man...

In January I blogged about my struggle...

September should have been a lesson, December I shouldn't have assumed and January should have been a warning.

I have been justifying this to myself the whole time. Michael was kinder to me than anyone in my life has ever been. He did everything in his power to make me happy and even in the midst of this crisis he still says all he wants is for me to be happy. I almost wish he would be mean just so I could feel better about ending things with someone who is so wonderful. Right now I feel like I am ruining something that is really good because of my faith. Its true, that is what I am doing, but it isn't a bad thing, it just feels that way right now. I am struggling because I know it is the right thing to do, that God has someone equally wonderful and then some because that is His promise, and I know that I navigated this situation incorrectly from the beginning. In retrospect I feel like a fool. In reality, I'm only human and I know God forgives me.


These are some These are some "repetitive" words...

By Nicole